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Barney's Colorful World
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Today, I’m reviewing- (Suddenly, it goes to static, and then to Eric from ScareTheater at sitting at the foot of his bed. During their conversation, it cuts between them) Eric: Hello, G-man. G-man (Under his breath): Not this shit again… Eric: I’ve been thinking about what happened recently, and I’ve decided to have my revenge on you for accusing me of sending you that link. G-man: Look, if you’re wanting revenge, talk to Joe Santagato. He was the one who started it! Eric: Lying to get off the hook, huh? Not buying it. Listen, I thought that the appropriate punishment is for you to let me review something with you. G-man: Why does everyone want me to review something with them?! (He sighs) Well, let’s see what I have on my phone… (He pulls out his phone. After playing with it for a while, he grins mischievously) Eric: Uh… What is it? G-man: Oh, you picked a good time to show up, because look what I’m about to review! (He turns his phone screen towards the camera to reveal the poster for Barney’s Colorful World) Eric: God damnit… (The main theme from the original show starts as clips from the live show begins to play) G-man (V.O): Well, here we are again, you purple bastard. Another ridiculous play and more things to complain about in your colorful world! Eric (V.O): Nonono, I’ll let you off the hook, just don’t subject me to him! G-man (V.O): Dude, if you can handle the scary things on YouTube, you can handle a purple dinosaur. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: So, are you ready to rumble? Eric: Do I really have a choice? G-man: Sounds like a yes! Let’s get started! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): We open with some kids and a Barney doll pretending to go on a trip around the world. Why is this relevant? They only appear at the beginning and the end of the movie! Not to mention that they appear in the audience as well. So does that mean that everyone around them is also imaginary?? (Barney appears) Eric (V.O): Either way, Barney appears and acts like the dumbass he is. Barney: Are you all ready to have fun? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: If by “Fun”, you mean rip you a new one, then yes. (Cut back to the play) Barney (Singing): If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! Duo (V.O): Boo! Barney (Singing): If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! G-man (V.O): Hang up! Didn’t we already hear this song before? And make the exact same joke for that matter? Eric (V.O chuckling): Wow, you can’t even keep track of your own jokes? G-man (V.O): Shut up! Eric (V.O): We get to actual location of the show after the song, and during another one, we get introduced to some kids who have literally no purpose. Barney: Everybody, how about a nice, warm welcome for Sarah? Sarah: Hi, everybody! Good to see you! Barney: Oh, and here’s my good buddy, Donny! Donny: Hi, guys! Glad you came! (The hashtag "#GreatActing" pops up for a brief moment) Barney: I’d like you to say a big “Hello!” to my friend, Mike! Mike: Hi, guys! We’re going to have so much fun! Barney: And say “Hello!” to my good friend, Gina! Gina: Hi, there! We always know something fun is going to happen when we hear the caboose bell! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And now, the spawn of the spawn of Satan appears! Eric: Who’s that? G-man: Wait and see, young grasshopper. (Cut back to the play) Barney: But, I didn’t ring the bell that time! Gina (To the audience): Who did? Do you know who rang the bell? (The ringer turns out to be Baby Bop. Cut back to Eric) Eric: Is that-? G-man: Yep. The Bop is back, bitches. Eric: Don’t tell me she has that dumb, yellow blanket again. G-man: She does, but it’s unimportant. Eric: Oh, thank god! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): So, out of nowhere, we get another song. This time, it’s Mr. Knickerbocker. And if you think it has any point to it, it doesn’t. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s like if the background behind me turned into an overused-! (The G-man’s room suddenly turns into outer space as the Shooting Stars song plays in the background. The G-man slowly turns around and looks behind him) I need to fire my editor, and fast. (Cut back to the play) BB: Oh, look at all the toys! (Mike comes up to her holding a toy airplane) Mike: I’ve got a toy airplane. See? (He imitates it. Sarah appears holding a toy boat) Barney: Ahoy! Ahoy! What’s your toy? Sarah: It’s a boat! And it really floats! (Cut to a vine) Rahty Rose (Singing): Bitch, do it look like I care? No! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): Anyway, after this unfunny joke… Barney: Good ideas come from up hear! (Gestures to his brain) BB: Your ear? (Gestures to her right ear) Eric (V.O): The kids get an idea that they want to go on a trip around the world. And if you think that we’re going to other countries, we aren’t. G-man (V.O): We then see BJ in an airplane again, (He snickers a bit) and after another song, we head to the jungle where get yet another song we’ve heard before. Barney, BB, BJ, and kids (Singing): We’re going on a jungle adventure to see what we can see. There’s a lion, and a tiger… BJ (Singing solo): And a great big monkey swinging on the branch of a tree! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: Do we HAVE to listen to this? G-man: No, I always skip them. Eric: But aren’t you afraid we’ll skip anything of significance? G-man: Actually, none, and I mean NONE of the songs have any point to them! They just sing whenever they damn well feel like it! (Cut back to the play) Barney: Oh, I just love it here! The waterfall, the plants and flowers, and all these trees! BJ: And don’t forget all the cool birds and animals! Barney: Oh, right! There are a lot of them! BB: Could I look for another one, please? Barney: Okay, but be careful, and stay where we can see you! (Cut back to the G-man praying) G-man: Don’t mind me, I’m just praying that they find a very hungry lion. (Cut back to the play) BB: I found an animal! I found in animal! Ready or not, here it comes! (An elephant stomps onstage. Cut back to Eric laughing) Eric: Wow! That has got to be the worst elephant costume I’ve ever seen! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): But the song itself is shit. I mean, listen to these lyrics. Everyone (Singing): Elephant! Elephant! Elephant! Elephant! BB (Singing): She’s big and friendly! Everyone (Singing): Elephant! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: That’s it! That’s the whole song! G-man: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Peppa Pig theme song had better lyrics! And no one even sang in that one! (Cut back to the play after the song) G-man (V.O): Anyway, the rain begins to fall, and we start singing Lemon Drops and Gumdrops. Eric (V.O): Another song already? Don’t they ever get tired of singing? G-man (V.O): Sadly, no. but we do get this: BJ: Yeah, it was really cool! But it was awfully, you know, green. BB (Insulted): What’s wrong with green? (Cut back to Eric chuckling a bit) Eric: Okay, THAT was funny! G-man: I hope you enjoyed that, because that’s the only funny joke in this piece of shit! Eric: Well, you can’t win them all… (Cut back to the play. Barney appears on a bus) Barney: There’s not quite enough room for everybody to get inside the bus. But we can still travel together by using our imaginations and singing a song! (They begin singing the Wheels on the Bus. Cut back to Eric) Eric: Uh, G-man? Do you have anything better than this? G-man: Well, I’ve got one: (Cut to a clip from Nudist Colony of the Dead) Man (Singing): Look at this sky! Look at this world! Look at the boys! Look at the girls! Woman (Singing): It’s an Inky Dinky Doodah Morning! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: You did this joke, too. G-man: Damnit! This play’s milking me dry of all my jokes! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): We then arrive in a tundra, but for some reason, they call it the Land of Ice and Snow. Just call it what it is! A damn tundra! BJ: It’s beautiful! BB: So pretty! And c-cold! Sarah: It’s wonderful, Barney, but it’s really cold! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: We get it! It’s cold! Now shut the fuck up! (Cut back to the play) BJ: Hey, what do you say we make a snowman? (He gestures towards something that’s obviously a curled up polar bear) Here’s a great big snowball that we can use for the bottom! G-man (V.O): Oh, come on! That’s clearly a polar bear! Even any kid watching this shit knows that! I don’t know why they’re building up this joke, we already know the outcome! (The kids appear onstage wearing Winter gear) Gina: Thanks for the Winter clothes, Barney! Barney: You’re welcome! Only, I didn’t put them there! BJ: Well then, who did? Eric (V.O sarcastically): Gee, I wonder who it is? (The polar bear reveals himself) Wow, what a shocker! (In normal tone) We then get another song… Sarah (Singing): When my teeth start to chatter and my fingers freeze, that’s how I know its cold! Mike (Singing): When I shiver and shake from a little, bitty breeze, that’s how I know its cold! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: …With repetitive lyrics… (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): We meet a couple of penguins. (He sighs) And get another song. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Does this play have a fetish of singing out of nowhere? I have it, and it’s not really- (He begins singing) It’s the Final Countdown! (The G-man begins dancing in place to the chorus from the Final Countdown by Europe. Cut to Eric looking confused) Eric: What is wrong with him? (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Apparently, it becomes nighttime… (Cut back to the G-man briefly) I’ve just stopped questioning things at this point… (Cut back to the film) And we get, wait for it, ANOTHER SONG! Gina (Singing): Oh, I like red! It’s the color of an apple! Donny (Singing): Orange! It’s the color of an orange! Eric (V.O): Wow! I mean, wow! This must be the worst choreographed song in the history of Barney! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: I think this deserves to be in the Hall of Shame! (Cut to a still-frame of the song with a picture frame border and a logo that says "Hall of Shame" as the G-man’s voice is heard saying the same thing in a deep, booming voice. Cut to after the song’s over) Barney: Don’t worry, Baby Bop! The next place we’re going is nice and warm. And I’ve got a fun idea about how we can all get there. (Cut to Barney and two of the kids in a boat. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Here, another song starts, but seeing as how the obvious joke is to play I’m on a Boat by Lonely Island over it, I’m going to this: (Cut back to the play. The audio of the first opening from One Peace plays for a brief moment before we cut back with the original audio) Eric (V.O): After another unfunny joke… BJ: Hey, did all of that up and down sailing make you seasick, Sissy? BB: No. Why do you ask? BJ: Because you still look a little green. Eric (V.O): Barney tells us where we are. Barney: We’re someplace that’s warm, and sunny, and sandy, and lots of fun! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Woo! Miami Florida! Eric: Uh… Actually, it’s the beach. G-man: Oh. That was going to be my second guess. (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After a song about Baby Bop for some reason, Barney brings out the sunscreen. BJ: And I definitely need sunscreen! I get freckles. (Cut back to Eric) Eric: But you already- Never mind… (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): But it looks like BJ is shit out of luck. Barney: Sorry, BJ. The bottle’s empty. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, there’s only one thing to do: (He starts singing) Blame Canada! Blame Canada! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After another song about the sun, and after BJ gets covered in obviously fake sunscreen, we meet another character. (BJ appears along with Ginger) BJ: Hey, guys! Look who I found! Barney: Hi, Ginger! Are you having lots of fun at the beach? G-man (V.O): Well, he WAS until you showed up! Anyway, we then get another song… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You know what? Let me just play a better song. Eric: Do you have something original this time? G-man: Yes, I do! Hit it! (Cut to the intro for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) Will Smith (Rapping): Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air. (Cut back to Eric) Eric: Eh… We’ll work on it. (Cut back to the play) Barney: You did such a good job at clapping, I think you should clap for yourselves! (The audience does so. Cut back to the G-man who is also clapping) G-man: I’m super depressed! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): Anyway, we then get to build a sandcastle… Cast (Singing): Castles so high. Up to the sky. I know that I would love to go there! (Cut back to Eric) Eric: All in favor of skipping this song, raise your hand. (Cut to a stock cartoon photo of a classroom of kids raising their hands) Thank you! (Cut back to the play after the song) BJ: Check it out, guys! I found a royal trumpet! Make way for the king and queen! (BJ attempts to blow the trumpet, but the sound of a duck quacking is heard. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow! That’s quacked up! (The audio of an audience laughing and applauding is heard) Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week, and the rest of my goddamn life! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): After another song in which everyone quacks like idiots, we move on to another location. (The curtains open to reveal an underwater scene) Um… (Cut back to Eric) Eric: If they’re going underwater with nothing but normal clothes on, wouldn’t they just-? G-man: You know what? Let’s just agree to not question anything in these Barney films anymore. Eric: Agreed. (Cut back to the play) BB: Oh, it’s so pretty, Barney! BJ: Yeah! But where are all the fish? G-man (V.O): Wow! You know the play is bad when even Nemo doesn’t want any part in this! Eric (V.O): So, out of absolutely nowhere, everyone in the audience has paper fish. How they got them is beyond me. G-man (V.O): We then get another song about fish… Cast (Singing): If I lived under the sea, sea, sea, I think it would be neat, yes it could be, be, be. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That I will now skip… (Cut back to the play) G-man: We find a treasure chest. (The kids open it up. Only for bubbles to fly out of it) Well, that’s disappointing! What was going on through the captain’s head at the time? (Cut to a skit with the G-man and Eric as pirates looming over a treasure chest) Eric (As first mate): Captain, we’ve found the chest. What shall we do with it? G-man (As captain): We put bubbles in it! First mate: What?! Are you serious!? Captain: Bubbles! Now! First mate: Maybe we could fill it with something valuable, like gold, jewels, stuff like that? Captain: Tie this bastard up and make him walk the plank! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): After another annoying and repetitive song, we meet a star- (The starfish turns around to reveal that it’s wearing an Elvis wig, sunglasses, and red lips) Okay, what? (Cut back to Eric) Eric: Apparently, Mr. Presley was reincarnated as a starfish! (There’s a moment of silence before Eric speaks again) Why am I not more surprised? (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After this bit of dialogue… BJ: The starfish has left the building! G-man (V.O): We get, you guessed it! Another fucking song! Barney (Singing): Just imagine! Just imagine! Just imagine all the things that we could be! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Even the fact that I spoke nicely about this song once before, I refuse to do it again! Eric: You actually like one of these songs? G-man: Come on, Scare! I’ve got an alibi! (He looks to his right) Pinkie! (Pinkie Pie pops her head in through the left side of the screen) Pinkie: Yes? G-man: Explain to Mr. Wise that the song is catchy. Pinkie: Who’s Mr. Wise? (The G-man gestures to the camera and Pinkie gasps) Hi Eric! Eric: Pinkie? G-man, you know her? G-man (As he’s raising his Lego gun): You got problem with that? Eric: Nonono! I’m just shocked that you know her, that’s all! G-man: That’s what I thought… (He lowers his gun) Anyway, Pinkie, explain to him that Just Imagine is a good song. Pinkie: He’s actually got a point! He showed me the song, and I thought it was catchy! Eric: Well, you can’t win them all… G-man: Good for you. (To Pinkie) Thanks, Pinkie! Pinkie: No problem! (Cut back to the play) Barney: See? I told you our friends have a lot of imagination! BJ: You sure do! BB: Uh-huh! And for sharing your imaginations, we’d like to say: “Thank you very much!”! (Along with the others) Thank you very much! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You’re welcome! I’ll remember you all in therapy! (Cut back to the play) Eric (V.O): We then get another song about colors… Cast (Singing): We like colors, we like them a lot. We’ve got colors. Colors we’ve got! Eric (V.O): And after the very-famous "I Love You, You Love Me" song, the play FINALLY ends. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was Barney’s Colorful World! Like the others I’ve reviewed, this one is no different. The songs suck, the plot is boring, the characters are forgettable, and last, but certainly not least, I had to share this insanity with a guest every. Single. Time! But, Eric, what did you think? Eric: Honestly, I think you said everything that needed to be said. Other than the fact that Barney is dangerous to your health, I’d say we covered everything that’s wrong about it. G-man: Well said. Thanks a lot, Eric! This has been fun! Eric: Uh… You’re welcome? Bye. (Cut to static, and then back to the G-man) G-man: Hm. What got him uncomfortable? Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode